Draw Me A Map

This Melody

"I know you're somewhere out there
Somewhere far away
I want you back
I want you back
My neighbors think
I'm crazy
But they don't understand
You're all I have
You're all I have

At night when the stars
light up my room
I sit by myself

Talking to the Moon
Trying to get to You
In hopes you're on
the other side
Talking to me too
Or am I a fool
who sits alone
Talking to the moon

I'm feeling like I'm famous
The talk of the town
They say
I've gone mad
Yeah
I've gone mad
But they don't know
what I know

Cause when the
sun goes down
someone's talking back
Yeah
They're talking back"

Bruno Mars - Talking to the Moon

I understand where I'm at in my life, and I'm more than willing to push forward and thrive. The hard part comes when I find love and fear the loss. I'm drowning in anxiety.

Listening to Stereo Hearts and dreaming of you.

Everything happens for a reason, and no matter what anyone else says, true love exists.Your story will unfold, you will have the closure you need, and you will be happy.

It's easy to give advice and sound positive..but how to I make myself believe?

Lost Love

I know the best high in life is the look in the eye of someone who truly loves you, and loves sobriety. To have and to hold, love and protect. I would give-up practically everything to see that look in his eye again, but my maturity and reality are take the reigns in my life. I am so deep in epiphanys I can't even begin to understand how dope has such control over me. I am so strong after the last three years, so sure of myself, that I am completely embarassed and ashamed of all the dumb stuff I've said and done - all the people I've hurt, and lives I've affected. Even if it's not that many people, I've really hurt the people who love me the most and have always been there for me. No one deserves to be put down.

I am truly in love with the sober man within. I never want to see the people I love high and coming down, lost and scared. I am so passionate about caring for my loved ones, and seeing them take pride in me. Caring for myself is a new passion - I never really prioritized myself before. In order to make a full recovery and take pride in myself, I must do what I can to mend the mistakes I've made over the last few year. Karma really is a bitch, but what would we do without her? I have become so aware of the repercussions of my actions, and as hard as it is, accepted responsibility for all the things I've done. I have "found myself," so many times in the last few years, and am finally able to live with myself, the lies, the love, the lust, the pain, the fame, the struggle, and the many things and people I am blessed to have in my life.

I'm Gonna Name My Daughter Karma

For all the times I cried myself to sleep...drowned in sorrow, my heart pained with despair. For all the times I could not see past my suffering. For all times I struggled and prayed to be delivered from shattered dreams...crushed esteem...for all moments I felt isolated and alone...for every bruise...blood...humiliation...longing...betrayal...agony...sadness...

I NOW see, I know NOW...I Now feel...I was being shaped...I was being molded...I was being carved...I was being strengthened, I was being powered...I was being Loved...I was being armored as Warrior of Love.

All to be what I AM NOW.
From deep pain is born deep LOVE.
LOVE is what kept me standing.
LOVE is what I AM.
LOVE endures.

~ Judah Isvaran

The Storm Is Coming Soon...

"I need a doctor to bring me back to life...It hurts when I see you struggle...Second guessing and it's almost like you're begging for my help...I need you, come back"

Faced with my freedom being taken awy tomorrow. What now?
Enjoy your last night?
Breathe in the fresh air and gaze at the stars?
Yes.
Drive with your music blasting.
Remember what got you to this point.
Grow from your past, embrace the consequences.

Budding Aspen.

"One day I'll be what the world want me to be"

Courage in the Face of Fear

"Simple way I wish you woulda called it how it shoulda been 

they try to tell me they don't get it
they don't know the deal
now I'll be damned I came this far to let a fool live
I gotta terminate the hate spread the positive
but how to be, I'm whackin cheese into the little kids
so I curse like a sailor...

A dark chapter unfolds storing Scott into the most eery and unstable part of his imagination.
So intense he cannot tell his dreams from reality.
This is the rise of the night terrors..."

-Kid Cudi feat. Common

With a life full of unpredictability, fear is ever present.
Recovery is slow..and painful...but worth the struggle.
Have faith...overcome...and interact. Interact with the world, and people, around you.
Find balance between the mental, emotion, and physical.
Communicate...and find someone you trust.
Without support, we have little to keep us afloat.
If we work on wellness together, we are more likely to succeed.

“Courage is grace under pressure.” -Ernest Hemingway

I found a new meaning for my initials (E.T.) - Emotional Therapy.
Far from Extra Terrestrial, this focus on therapy can bring you to a state confidence that is vital to persevere.
Express and share...to benefit oneself, and others, with focus and direction.


"A little bit can go a long way in helping you to create the balance in life..." @kshallowhorn

Together, we create.

"Wisdom in My Hands"

Whoever said that time couldn't stop was wrong. At least, this is how I see it. Time stops and doesn't keep moving until you snap out of your trance and realize time was standing still. By then, you've already started time again subconsciously, so there's no trace of the fact that time had ever stopped in the first place.

I thought of this while I was having yet another glorious day in my misery. I was staring, pondering this limbo of heartbreak and disaster, stress and depression, joy and excitement, birth and renewal.

I've never been s bruised and broken and yet liberated and motivated at the same time...! One instant I'm that little girl who just lost her first true love; the next moment I'm planning my next entrepreneurial escapade, and sorting through business correspondence on my e-mail. Either I'm becoming cold and heartless, or I'm truly learning how to benefit from heartache, and thrive on despair.

Everything wrong...or everything right?

I'm feeling stuck..wrong..like my left side is about to burst..to explode.
Whiplash from wrecked cars and the beauty of health insurance in America..no coverage. 
Then the junker explodes..a cell phone ringing, rather than my left arm flying through the air.
Broken up with...by text?
My response...Are you serious? Wow.
So I just have to vent about one thing...don't blame others for your own mistakes and miscalculations!
Leave me to my misery, don't fall to insults displaying the true child in the relationship.
Ciao.

I can't love you this much...

 "I'm coasting, I'm coasting on a dream.

I'm coasting, this one's for you and me."

[Zion I]  

Delayed reaction.
My hearts breaking like the plate
that I want to slam into the wall on the other side of the room.

I fell off as predicted, but how foolish I would have been to hold on.


I shattered dreams. Shattered myself in the process.
Only to put myself back together a new soul.
Betrayed, disobeyed, and relayed renegade,
I saved myself from the bitter downfall.
Still haunting me with whispers of that epic faith.
The boundaries crossed, the vast lengths and strengths.

Yet I did it again.

I let myself fall...fast into the arms of ecstasy
As I gave my hand to a new hero.
A quickly painted family picture and a newly warmed heart.

Not a girl friend, a wife.
A man offering me a real life.


But even faster than I fell for my jailbird,
faster still than I left his side,
my new partner was kissing me good-bye.
 I'm stressed, I'm sick, I don't want to talk to you.

It's not just you, I don't want to see anyone.

Was it a trick, a future too good to be true?
A destiny I cannot stomach as the rollercoaster bounds off course.
But a wreck I must walk away from, a hurdle I must leap...
a journey I must take to retain my pride.

A man too denied to not be a lie

And it still isn't enough to simply run away and hide.

“I‘m about to lose my mind, you‘ve been gone for so long”

“What a beautiful mess I’m in
Spending all my time with you
What a sweet addiction that I’m caught up in
Cause I can’t get enough
Can’t stop the hunger for your love
What a beautiful mess I’m in”

[Diamond Rio]

 

“I think he hates me deep down I know he does
He wants to erase me

I keep on runnin keep on runnin and nothing works
I can’t get away from you
I keep on talkin keep on talkin and nothing helps
I can’t stop missing you
 

A couple weeks no talkin I see my baby
I missed ya so damn much
I wish we could start over I told my baby

This what he tells me
I keep on runnin keep on runnin and nothing works
I can’t get away from you
I keep on talkin keep on talkin and nothing helps
I can’t stop missing you” 

[Kid Cudi]

“I'm starting to feel distant again..

So decided just to pick this pen up

And try to make an attempt to vent...

I know some shits so hard to swallow
But I can’t just sit back and wallow

In my own sorrow

But I know one fact 

I'll be one tough act to follow

Don‘t let them say you ain‘t beautiful,
They can all get fucked just stay true to you” 

[Eminem]