Mistress of Magic

When I step out onto my deck at this time of night, I often feel like I'm the only person alive out here. Then I hear the cars on the Valley Road, I see the lights in the surrounding houses, and I know that in reality, I am one of many.

My little dog is at grandma's house tonight, so I am the only one home. I feel like I left a part of me out in Prunedale...technically, I left four parts of me out there. So, tonight, there is no one here to hear me, pick-up my crumbs, or laugh with me. Alone time is good, but I'm just realizing that it's such a rare occurrence.

This is my first post since I regained my freedom. Incarceration is hell...an immoral experiment, if you ask me. I think many would agree, but, surprisingly, many would also disagree. I feel for those that cherish their time behind bars. How can anyone love a place that is so unlike any healthy home.

As I breathe fresh air, savor real food, walk on natural ground, sleep on cushioned surfaces, I am amazed by how many simple things so many people take advantage of in their daily lives. 

I have been granted "the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." God, as I understand HER, has allowed me yet another day on this beautiful Earth. I am so grateful.

"Kind to me when I had nowhere to turn, when I was alone and deserted, 

and even you had abandoned me to my fate. What is love to that?" 

-The Mists of Avalon by Marion Zimmer Bradley

Draw Me A Map

This Melody

"I know you're somewhere out there
Somewhere far away
I want you back
I want you back
My neighbors think
I'm crazy
But they don't understand
You're all I have
You're all I have

At night when the stars
light up my room
I sit by myself

Talking to the Moon
Trying to get to You
In hopes you're on
the other side
Talking to me too
Or am I a fool
who sits alone
Talking to the moon

I'm feeling like I'm famous
The talk of the town
They say
I've gone mad
Yeah
I've gone mad
But they don't know
what I know

Cause when the
sun goes down
someone's talking back
Yeah
They're talking back"

Bruno Mars - Talking to the Moon

I understand where I'm at in my life, and I'm more than willing to push forward and thrive. The hard part comes when I find love and fear the loss. I'm drowning in anxiety.

Listening to Stereo Hearts and dreaming of you.

Everything happens for a reason, and no matter what anyone else says, true love exists.Your story will unfold, you will have the closure you need, and you will be happy.

It's easy to give advice and sound positive..but how to I make myself believe?

Lost Love

I know the best high in life is the look in the eye of someone who truly loves you, and loves sobriety. To have and to hold, love and protect. I would give-up practically everything to see that look in his eye again, but my maturity and reality are take the reigns in my life. I am so deep in epiphanys I can't even begin to understand how dope has such control over me. I am so strong after the last three years, so sure of myself, that I am completely embarassed and ashamed of all the dumb stuff I've said and done - all the people I've hurt, and lives I've affected. Even if it's not that many people, I've really hurt the people who love me the most and have always been there for me. No one deserves to be put down.

I am truly in love with the sober man within. I never want to see the people I love high and coming down, lost and scared. I am so passionate about caring for my loved ones, and seeing them take pride in me. Caring for myself is a new passion - I never really prioritized myself before. In order to make a full recovery and take pride in myself, I must do what I can to mend the mistakes I've made over the last few year. Karma really is a bitch, but what would we do without her? I have become so aware of the repercussions of my actions, and as hard as it is, accepted responsibility for all the things I've done. I have "found myself," so many times in the last few years, and am finally able to live with myself, the lies, the love, the lust, the pain, the fame, the struggle, and the many things and people I am blessed to have in my life.

I'm Gonna Name My Daughter Karma

For all the times I cried myself to sleep...drowned in sorrow, my heart pained with despair. For all the times I could not see past my suffering. For all times I struggled and prayed to be delivered from shattered dreams...crushed esteem...for all moments I felt isolated and alone...for every bruise...blood...humiliation...longing...betrayal...agony...sadness...

I NOW see, I know NOW...I Now feel...I was being shaped...I was being molded...I was being carved...I was being strengthened, I was being powered...I was being Loved...I was being armored as Warrior of Love.

All to be what I AM NOW.
From deep pain is born deep LOVE.
LOVE is what kept me standing.
LOVE is what I AM.
LOVE endures.

~ Judah Isvaran

The Storm Is Coming Soon...

"I need a doctor to bring me back to life...It hurts when I see you struggle...Second guessing and it's almost like you're begging for my help...I need you, come back"

Faced with my freedom being taken awy tomorrow. What now?
Enjoy your last night?
Breathe in the fresh air and gaze at the stars?
Yes.
Drive with your music blasting.
Remember what got you to this point.
Grow from your past, embrace the consequences.

Budding Aspen.

"One day I'll be what the world want me to be"

Courage in the Face of Fear

"Simple way I wish you woulda called it how it shoulda been 

they try to tell me they don't get it
they don't know the deal
now I'll be damned I came this far to let a fool live
I gotta terminate the hate spread the positive
but how to be, I'm whackin cheese into the little kids
so I curse like a sailor...

A dark chapter unfolds storing Scott into the most eery and unstable part of his imagination.
So intense he cannot tell his dreams from reality.
This is the rise of the night terrors..."

-Kid Cudi feat. Common

With a life full of unpredictability, fear is ever present.
Recovery is slow..and painful...but worth the struggle.
Have faith...overcome...and interact. Interact with the world, and people, around you.
Find balance between the mental, emotion, and physical.
Communicate...and find someone you trust.
Without support, we have little to keep us afloat.
If we work on wellness together, we are more likely to succeed.

“Courage is grace under pressure.” -Ernest Hemingway

I found a new meaning for my initials (E.T.) - Emotional Therapy.
Far from Extra Terrestrial, this focus on therapy can bring you to a state confidence that is vital to persevere.
Express and share...to benefit oneself, and others, with focus and direction.


"A little bit can go a long way in helping you to create the balance in life..." @kshallowhorn

Together, we create.